© 1994 Donald E. Watson

(Abridged)

Anger is the first emotion to appear after a loss, and it reappears often during the healing process. Anger is essential to healing because it provides the energy we need to accomplish our work of grieving. In fact, nature automatically gives us the gift of anger-energy whenever we need it most: every time we have a problem.

If we understand and manage it well, anger is one of the most valuable resources we possess for solving our problems. However, we do not manage it well, we can create new problems.

Anger is usually mismanaged by people who believe that this emotion is a harmful force. It is not. Anger is neutral, neither harmful nor helpful. The energy it generates is like the energy of gasoline: It can be used constructively or destructively, depending on how it is managed.

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When funding was assigned to this project, it was understood that it was to alleviate the  threat of suicides within the tobacco community. In April, when I began, greenhouses were  full, plans were being made and the weather even co-operated to make things ahead look  promising. “They’re not suicidal!” I pronounced, and cheerfully spent the summer
researching transition ideas for those calling for help.

Harvest is done. Prices at the board are tight. Banks are less friendly. Winter looms, and  now the tone of those calling me has changed. They are still not suicide calls; they are just  less hopeful, more worried. I have a wonderful group of counsellors working with me who could help if I encountered someone at risk, but I was not actually sure I would know how to recognize a suicidal person if they didn’t come right out and tell me. more...

By: Elaine Froese

When my phone rings it is always a bit of an adventure. I never know what the request will be at the other end. Lately I’ve been getting too many “secret” calls where the farm woman is calling, after considering it for two years, to see if I can offer some encouragement. She doesn’t want her hubby to know about the call.

The problem…her husband, or father-in-law just won’t talk. How do you get someone to share their plans, hopes and dreams ? What is stopping them from opening up and sharing the design for the destiny of the entire farm business team ? If I could bottle up an elixir and market it , I’d be as rich as Oprah.

There are no easy answers, but I as a trained coach I have some hunches.

I’ll come from a position of curiosity with a learner, not judger mindset.

Consider this:

• Dad is scared. He doesn’t talk because he is afraid of conflict. His dad didn’t say much either. What if the next generation does a better job than he does ? What if he gives up power and control to the kids, and they fail in the next five years, destroying everything he has worked hard for in the past 4 decades ?

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Is there anything more satisfying than an evening spent reminiscing with an old friend about the ‘good old days’? Rehashing when you met, the others you knew and the fun you had. The laughter and warmth feels so great that you can even find humour in the times they made you so angry you wondered if the friendship would survive. At the end of such an evening, you are left with a warm, happy feeling that leaves you chuckling inside at odd moments for days afterwards. The whole tone of the evening reverberates within you long after the friend has left town again.

What’s interesting is that researchers have found that it’s that very tone that may be the most important reason why that person became such a good friend to begin with. Studies have proven that we make judgements about people and situations based on the tone they use when speaking to us. It’s not necessarily their choice of words so much as the tone with which they are delivered.  Malcolm Gladwell calls it ‘rapid cognition’. In his acclaimed book Blink, he explores ‘When are snap judgments good and when are they not? What kinds of things can we do to make our powers of rapid cognition better?’ Gladwell’s first chapter cites the work of John Gottman, a psychologist who has clinically proven a link between the tone used between partners in a marriage and the longevity of the marriage. Gottman records arguments between
couples, blurs the sound so the words are unintelligible and then listens to the tone of the conversation. Gottman can predict within minutes which marriages will last. Where there is a tone of respect there is hope, where there is contempt there is failure. His research has proven to be 87% accurate.

 So how do we achieve a positive tone in our closest relationships? Can we construct a positive outlook? Gottman says we can. Essentially
he maintains we can train ourselves to think more positively about our partners. Simply talking and thinking about the positive attributes of our
spouse for a few moments each day can remind us of the initial fondness that brought us together. Rekindled fondness will naturally encourage
a more positive tone.

Better still, recreate that evening with an old friend with our closest friend – our spouse. Remind each other of when you met, those first dates, the double dates with good friends, why you decided to marry, the hunt for the first house, the first Christmas tree. Again, the tone of such a conversation is inevitably entertaining and uplifting. While we may not chuckle for days after, we may find ourselves more reflective and receptive. We will certainly come away reminded of the feelings we had when we married – even if those feelings seem far gone.

Then after an evening wandering through ‘Memory Lane’ – how do we stop the world from creeping back in? How do we keep this positive tone when the garbage doesn’t make it to the curb or the kids dent the car? The answer is – practice it! We can train ourselves to think at least three positive things about our spouse each day. I like his hair. She is a great mom. He is really very clever. Just through these simple thoughts can we start to focus on the respect we once celebrated in our partners. Humans are funny, we place high value on the people we admire and we are willing to overlook more with them.

Try it for a week. Each time you catch yourself thinking something negative about your spouse, try to make yourself think of a small but positive thing you like about them. You may be surprised how quickly you start to feel more indulgent of their annoying habits.

It remains to be said that if we are so far gone that we cannot remember the good in our pasts together or find even three positive traits in our partners, then it may indeed be too late. But as most of us have confidence in our own convictions, it makes sense that we chose our partners with a sense that there was good there. If we use the tools cited here, or seek out help if these are unclear, we might just get back to a point where we can rediscover the fondness through regaining the respect.
  
Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, Malcolm Gladwell, Little, Brown and Company (January 11, 2005)
Relationship Rescue: A Seven Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner, John Gottman, Hyperion (February 8, 2000)

At a recent Tobacco meeting, one of the more eloquent speakers recognized that the tobacco growers have always been a kind of family – related through their occupations and through their love of what they do. In a room of probably 1000 people she called on the group to seek guidance from friends and families and draw strength from each other.

Her plea struck a chord with me as I had been working on this piece for a few days. I had been watching and thinking about farming parents as they worry about the impact the uncertainty and discord is having on their children. With staff reductions they are leaving their children with grandparents more than they used to or depending on the older ones to pitch in and work the farm. Mothers have had to take jobs so the kids go to neighbours after school instead of coming home like their older siblings were able to do. Instead of family vacations, kids go to camps or organized activities during school holidays. Dinner conversations often digress into political debates and arguments about farm finances. On top of financial and farm transition worries, worrying about how the kids are handling it all may leave parents feeling helpless. These people are also worried that " I've devoted myself to being a decent parent, and my children have had a good life, but I wonder if they're too soft, if they can withstand pressure or if they'll cave in when things get tough?"

I have done my homework and what I want to say is that the research says that most of these kids should be just fine. The very environment they are being raised in fits the molds that the experts recommend for raising well-adjusted, resilient individuals.
Resilience is the word used by researchers that defines why some individuals go through adversity and are successful while others fail.  It is not an innate personality trait, it is learned. It is defined as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress -- such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences.” Research demonstrates that the individuals who, despite adversity and setbacks, do well over time and succeed at school and in business have their own resilience to thank.

As a concerned parent, the good news is that it has become apparent that resilience is made of ordinary magic. “Resilience does not come from rare and special qualities, but from the everyday magic of ordinary human resources in the minds, brains and bodies of children, in their families and relationships, and in their communities.” (Anne Masten - Children Who Overcome Adversity to Succeed in Life)

Studies have shown that the children who succeed in the face of adversity have more internal and external resources, particularly in the form of good thinking skills and effective parenting. Difficult times and adversity does not seem to derail their development. Resilient children who have faced adversity have a great deal in common with other competent children who had no more than the normative level of stress in their lives. They were good problem solvers, able to learn and pay attention. They were close to adults in their lives who provided warmth, age-appropriate structure, and high expectations for them. They learned to follow the rules and, later, the laws of society. They were involved in activities at home, school, and in their communities. They developed close friendships and when the time came, positive romantic relationships. Not surprisingly, they had good self-esteem and felt effective.

The studies show the following factors contribute to developing resilience:

• Family relations, especially the social-emotional bond and activities linking parent and child. Caring relationships - convey compassion, understanding, respect and interest and are grounded in listening and establish safety and trust.
• Productive roles and values for children, involving both unpaid chores and earnings. High expectation messages both communicate firm guidance, structure, and challenge but, and most importantly, convey a belief in the youth's innate resilience and look for strengths and assets as opposed to problems and deficits.
• Family connections to community institutions, including the church, schools and civic organizations. Opportunities for meaningful participation and contribution include having opportunities for valued responsibilities, for making decisions, for giving voice and being heard, and for contributing one's talents to the community.
• Children’s on-going social relations with grandparents and with age-mates and adults in school, church and community.
  

As children of tobacco growers, these factors are probably in large supply. Even in this day of road teams and school trips, farm-reared children still live in worlds of networks and overlapping environments – family, school, church and community. Parents, friends and relatives appear often in the activities of farm children. Many live on the same farm or even in the same house. Neighbours frequently gather to help with farming projects and for social occasions. Rural towns rely on volunteers to run local clubs that expose children to parents and those of their peers who become mentors and examples. 4H clubs and competitions at local fairs and venues puts farm children in front of their peers and these same mentors as the crowds are drawn from a small pool. It’s a small world – but it fits the criteria outlined for developing resilience.

That speaker’s words, calling on the tobacco growers to draw on each other for strength and guidance, also reminded me that building community and creating belonging for youth means we must also do this for ourselves. As Sergiovanni writes, "The need for community is universal. A sense of belonging, of continuity, of being connected to others and to ideas and values that make ourselves meaningful and significant -- these needs are shared by all of us" (Bonnie Benard, M.S.W. 1993). We, too, need the protective factors of caring and respectful relationships and opportunities to make decisions; without these, we cannot create them for youth.

Sources:
How to Become Resilient: You’ve Got the Power to Help Yourself Bounce Back…from Life! by Jami Jones, Ph.D.
Children Who Overcome Adversity to Succeed in Life - ANN S. MASTEN
Children of the Great Depression, Glen H. Elder, Westview Press, 1999
Children of the Land – Elder and Conger, University of Chicago Press 2000

If you have specific concerns that your children may not be coping with the issues or would like to speak to a counsellor, please contact Mike Fidler and Associates at fidlerassociates@amtelecom.net or call 1-800-560-5577.